Everybody Wants A Piece Of Kurt Wagner
by KoshKing777
Summary: When Kurt and the Blob undergo a mind-swap of mysterious origin, they both discover that walking in grey is the best way to cope with their new lives. Rated M for Language, Imagery


A/N: Hello everybody

A/N: Hello everybody! This is a rather spur-of-the-moment fic, in all honesty, but I have written out the whole plot in the past three weeks. So, I've been eager to start this for quite a bit. For those of you that are wondering whatever happened to my ongoing trilogy, Rite of Slumber, rest assured that it will be continued as soon as this fic is finished (now that it's summer, I have entire bushels more time to write). There are…MANY fics in my head that I want to commit to paper, but sadly…I still rarely find the time and solitude needed to produce a good state of mind to write in.

SO!! This fic. Well, it's admittedly not the most original idea for a fic, but they're two of my favorite characters from the series, and I'm hoping this scenario will set the scene for some genuine soul searching for both of the main characters and their friends. Each chapter will go between Fred and Kurt's psyche's in this order: FredKurtFredKurt, in order to give everyone a good taste of the events unfolding in each's lives at that time. It is indeed rated 'M', which I'm sure will deplete my readership, but I wanted to portray the characters as how they would be if they were REAL high schoolers, without all the 'kiddie-fying' the show did. So…yep. It'll mostly be due to a lotta cursing on the Brotherhood's end, coupled with rather explicit sexual imagery in certain characters' heads. That said, even with the overt change in tone from the syndicated series (which ended all too soon, btw), I'm going to strive to keep everyone in character as much as I can.

Pairings: Well, main ones are Fred/Jean and Kurt/Wanda. Also hinted at are Rogue/Scott, Fred/Rogue , Fred/Kitty, Kurt/Kitty, Evan/Kitty, Kurt/Tabitha. Yep. Before you say, "Polygamy Much?" remember that the show contains ships upon ships, with no clear grounds for some of their existence. (cough, Kitty/Lance anyone? ;) No offence, anyone who supports that crazy ship)

I guess that's about it. You can expect a new chapter once a weekend this summer, or maybe two a weekend if you review a lot!!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to X-Men evolution, whether it be the characters, plot, or relationships.

**Everybody Wants a Piece of Kurt Wagner**

Chapter 1: Experiments in Dark Places

(At night in the X-Mansion, Sunday 6:00 P.M.)

Fred groaned as he glared through a screen of blur that pervaded his vision and swirled indeterminably within his mind. He knew he was slowly coming to consciousness, but…was the process a success? What if it had failed? What would he have become?

Finally blinking the clouds of energy away from his fragile mind, Fred blinked and scanned his room, which was dimmed in a slumbering shade of blue. He moaned and struggled up…only in order to fall over immediately.

"GAH!" he exclaimed in shock as he sprung up. He was incredibly light. He looked down at his hands, which contained only three fingers and were…BLUE and FURRY!

"Yes, yes, yes, please don't be a dream, please don't be a dream, please don't be a dream!!" Fred exclaimed as he dashed manically around the dark room until he found a cluttered mirror. Pushing a bunch of junk out of the way, he peered into the mirror to get a better glimpse of himself.

Staring back at him was the most wonderful vision he had ever seen - his eyes were bright yellow and intense, fierce even; his hair was shoulder-length and as raven as the night; and his body, dear god his motherfucking body! Fred looked down at himself in awe and pounded his chest. It was ROCK hard! His entire form was sinewy but ENTIRELY composed of gorgeous muscle. He took a deep breath and looked back in the mirror in rapture. There was something erotically feline in his new appearance. 'Kurt must get pussy easier than Magneto himself,' Fred thought wryly. He had never taken into account before how GOOD-looking Kurt was. He would be content just to stand and stare at himself in the mirror.

But, he had more important things to do at the moment, so he giddily ran back and flopped down onto his bed. This was the single greatest moment of his life. So the experiment had worked…and she had promised one week at least to remain in Kurt's body. Then he would meet with her and if he preferred the current state of things, she could make it permanent. Fred thought this was a pointless step, however – who WOULDN'T want to be Kurt Wagner for the rest of their life?!

Fred had had many motivations for undergoing this change. The change in appearance was easily the strongest, for now he had an aura and a presence that commanded people's respect and adoration. He ran a hand up and down his toned, furry body, and even reached down and jiggled his cock around a bit. 'Good, I'm well-equipped. No problems there!'

Another essential reason was to get closer to the only one he had ever loved. His fur bristled with enticement as he thought about the whole new range of possibilities this opened up with that gorgeous redhead. He exhaled deeply and pictured himself with her in various positions throughout life; her and him tangled nude and wet under the sheets; him taking her white-garbed body into his arms as his bride, to a cheering audience; and finally the two of them raising blue-furred children.

BAMF!!

Suddenly Fred found himself in midair, out in the orange setting sunlight. "AHHHHGH!" He screamed. 'Uhhh…I guess I teleported,' Fred thought in shock as he plummeted straight down into the bushes in front of the X-Mansion.

"The fuck…?" Fred asked no one in particular, shaking wildly to rid himself of the prickles. Nearby were the basketball courts, the pool, the woods, and a small lake. 'I guess I forgot to get used to the most important part: your powers.'

The change in power was another major reason he sought this new form. Sure, Fred had mighty powers, too, though, but every time he tried to showcase them he was just ridiculed and mocked a ton, especially by his own "friends." He shuddered to even remember his days at the circus, repeatedly undergoing the monstrous heckling and jeering treatment everyday. Fred sighed and ran a hand through his new black hair. His old life had become nothing more than a joke, a farce. Now – now, he had the chance that no one had ever had before, he could get a fresh start. He had found THE reset button. He could finally have a new life.

So he had better not blow it.

'Now…I've gotta learn this shit or my cover's blown,' Fred thought to himself. So he had teleported, eh? But it was completely on accident – he would have to be careful not to do that unawares. More importantly was the ability to teleport on command, and to the destination he wanted.

Fred darted his new, yellow eyes around and chose a small rock island in the middle of the lack as his destination. "Alright," he said, and concentrated on the spot…but nothing happened. "Oooooookay?!" He said. His own powers activated merely whenever he took a battle stance. How did Kurt get his to work? He closed his eyes and tried to open his mind, physically picturing himself warping the very plane of existence and forcing himself over to the island. When nothing happened, he peeked an eye open. Nope, the island was still in plain view.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Fred roared and punched the stone ground, splitting his knuckle clean open due the force. "Ohhhhhh Godddddd…" he moaned as the pain arced up his arm into his spine. Droplets of blood dripped onto the patio. "I'm so stupid!!"

"Uhm, Kurt?" a honey-coated voice asked from within the mansion.

Fred whirled around, wide-eyed, and nearly fell over again in the process. "Y-yeah, who is it?" he said in a hopefully-friendly voice.

"It's me, Kurt, but like, are you alright?? I've never, like, even heard you curse before!" A figure Fred recognized as Lance's ex, Kitty Pride, walked outside and stepped daintily down towards him. His breath caught as the full frontal assault of her beauty manifested itself to him. She was wearing a skin-exposing shoulder-less pink sweater with a line of fur around the upper edge, which complemented her pink bra straps nicely. She was wearing a miniskirt too, but Fred didn't dare let that train of thought enter his mind, or he would end up with a VERY obvious indicator of his thoughts.

Looking down, he noticed that he was still clad only in his black boxers. "OH!" he exclaimed, and then posed in a ballerina-esque fashion. "How do you like my outfit. It really brings out the best in my body, don't you think?" He asked with a wink.

This won him a laugh from Kitty. At least he was acting Kurt-like now, always joking about EVERYTHING.

Kitty brushed a spare lock out of her eyes and grinned. "Oh yes Kurt, you look gorgeous tonight," she said mockingly. "What's the occasion for you to dress up so much?"

"Oh, nothing much," Fred shrugged. "I just accidentally teleported out of my window." Kitty guffawed, very un-lady-like. "And broke my knuckles in the process," he said with a wry grin, offering his damp wrist as evidence.

"OHMIGOD Kurt!! Are you alright?" she said, rushing forward to cradle his hand gently. Kurt took a deep breath. He couldn't remember the last time a girl this exquisite was close to him…actually, fuck that, a girl had never actually touched him before. And here he was in his boxers while she was massaging her hands. Damn, he'd be crazy not to try something. He looked up into her deep blue pools of eyes, and his heart sped up as he stared into them. All of a sudden, he realized she was waiting for an answer.

"Y-yeah, I...er, it doesn't hurt that much," he said, shivering from the prolonged contact. Holy FUCK, the X-Men had all the hot chicks. And nice ones too! 'Kurt definitely didn't know how lucky he was,' Fred thought. He breathed and smirked. "A-are you going to keep touching me like that?" he said nervously.

Kitty blushed and dropped his hand. "Oh! Sorry…would you like me to go get Dr. McCoy to take a look at it for you?" She wiped the blood off her hand, but not too much avail, only succeeding in spreading it around.

"Oh here, allow me, fraulein," he paused, and without even meaning to, wiped the blood off her palms with his spade-shaped tail. "Whoa, it's really easy to control!" Fred exclaimed. "Like another arm!"

Kitty laughed. "I know, that's, like, what you always say."

Fred snickered nervously, he hadn't meant to say that out loud. "Uh, well, uh, don't worry about it, it'll heal just fine, I'll treat it myself."

Kitty raised her eyebrows and shifted her weight, her breasts flouncing only a bit, which prompted Fred to develop a small erection. "YOU? I didn't know you were a medical expert?"

Fred crossed his legs in embarrassment. At least he could rely on cuteness to get by now. His heart was pumping like crazy, and he knew he had to get out of there soon; as he wasn't exactly the best at talking to drop-dead-gorgeous women. "Ummm, I, errr, have some homework to doooo…for school tomorrow, so…"

"Oh! Well, you'd better get dressed, after all," Kitty said warmly. "But I was wondering if you wanted to hang out a little bit?"

Fred stopped and stared. Did she mean…SEX?! God, please, yes!!

"But, if you're busy, then I understand…"

"I, uh…well, yeah, I guess I'd better go now," He said, wincing even as he said it. He was such a coward! Next time, he definitely wouldn't let her go.

"Okay, ciao!!" Kitty grinned, and then skipped back inside, her tantalizing perfume tailing her.

Fred didn't necessarily consider himself one to easily 'fall in love' (he was far too pessimistic for that), that time with Kitty was…something ELSE! He knew that she could easily win his heart if he let her.

As he deeply inhaled the scent, he could feel her still there, holding his hand. In his mind, he reached out, wrapped his tail around her neck and pulled her pouting, ruby lips to his. "Kitty…" he whispered, feeling his heart warm with thought of her.

BAMF!

Fred was shocked to suddenly find himself back inside (apparently), within another dimmed room. Looking around in a whirl to discern his surroundings here in enemy territory, he noticed a sink, a mirror, towels, a shower…and Rogue on the toilet!!

They both let out a simultaneous scream for about five seconds.

"KURT!! The HELL are you doin' in here?!" the goth roared.

KurtFredKurtFredKurtFredKurtFred

(Meanwhile, in the Brotherhood's House)

"Hngh?!" Kurt murmured indecipherably as he rolled out of bed, feeling downright HEAVY. "Mein gott, I just had the weirdest dream." It was then that he realized he wasn't even in his own room and let out a small squeak. An odd odor pervaded the room, causing him to gag with a large, gelatinous jaw.

"Easy over there, bro," Toad said, swirling around in his desk chair, who for some terrible reason was not wearing any pants whatsoever. "I'm working here!"

Kurt gave him a weird look, and looked around in fear. Was this…the Brotherhood's flat? Spying a dirty mirror, he tried to leap over to it, but greatly misjudged his own strength and went tumbling out the door. "ARRRGH!" He screamed as he ricocheted off a pole and went rolling down the hallway, mowing over Avalanche in the process.

"What the fuck!" Avalanche yelled as he looked up from his newly-applied coat of slime, sweat, mucus, and god-knows-what as his fellow brotherhood member went flying down the hallway at irrevocable speeds.

"SOOOORRRRYYY, who-UMPH-Ever, UMPH! That UMPH! Was…" Kurt cried out as his rolling sped up even worse. He couldn't see where he was going, nor did he have the slightest idea how he was even capable of rolling in the first place.

"Hex Locked!" A female voice cried out which captured Kurt in mid air, before dropping his soundly on his semi-like tush. He shook his head twice to clear his head and looked up to see the Scarlet Witch smirking condescendingly down at him.

'God, do I hate her. She's so gross! Speaking of gross, what's that smell…' Kurt sniffed and discovered that he smelled completely rancid, and had somehow gained at least 200 pounds in the fifteen minutes he'd been napping.

"Rolling down the hallway, huh? That's a new level to sink to, even for you, Fred," the Scarlet Witch grinned, apparently struggling to contain her derision.

"You're a jerk," Kurt said. "I…wait, Fred?!" All of a sudden, all the pieces fell into place. "Oh…mein gott…"

He stood up and looked down at his thick, meaty hands. Beaded sweat ran down his body. "I'm gonna go, er…take a shower…" Kurt said in a very small voice, trying to contain his fear. WHY was he in the Blob, the single grossest, most idiotic person on the planet's, body?!

Wanda snorted. "I think that would be a good idea, fat-ass." With that, she stuck nose in the air and pinched it closed as she retreated back into her room.

"Uhm…now to find the bathroom without falling over," Kurt said with trepidation, turning back around to walk along the creaking planks that made up their floor. The place was a dump, and Kurt was frankly impressed the floor could even withstand his massive girth. 'Wonder how Amanda's going to react to this – what will she say? Could she possibly even believe me anyway?'

Lance had pulled himself up and dusted the stinky grime off himself. "You stupid fuck, what's your problem? Have too much booze last night?"

"Yes, apparently," Kurt said with a shaky grin. He HAD to get alone, so he could think this through. "C-could you lead me to the restroom, dude?" he said in the Blob's hoarse rumble of a voice.

"Uh, no. It's not my fault you can't hold your liquor, you over-bloated pussy!" Lance snickered.

At precisely that point, Kurt keeled over and vomited all over the woodwork. "Oh…mein gott…" he moaned softly.

"Er…on second thought, maybe you could use a hand," Lance said with an apprehensive grimace. He hesitantly took Kurt's right arm in his and hollered, "TOAD!! Get your bony ass over here!"

"You ain't the boss of me, man!" Toad said, lumbering out in the hall nevertheless.

"We're, uh, helping your roommate to the shower," Lance said a bit bitterly. Kurt smiled apologetically.

To both of their surprise, Toad suddenly cackled. "Oh man, this is rich! So much for our great competition of who can go the longest without showering! Didn't think you'd bite the dust so early this year, man!"

'Ah, so that's the source of everything's ridiculous stench around here,' Kurt realized. "Well in that case, I concede defeat. Now help me out before I decide to give you a bear hug!"

Toad's face twisted in obvious disgust. "You got yourself a deal." As the misshapen mutant joined Lance in carrying Kurt to the bathroom at the end of the hall he remarked, "So have you guys seen Wanda yet today?"

"Yep, you just missed her," Lance muttered.

"Aww…well, there's always breakfast," Toad said with a downcast face. "I wonder what bra she's wearing today…" Suddenly his countenance brightened. "Ohmigod!! I should go make her breakfast."

Without warning, he dropped Kurt on Lance's foot and bounced off down the hallway toward the staircase. Lance sighed and stalked after him, saying, "I guess I'd better go warn Wanda NOT to eat the breakfast today," he said lowly.

Now having the hallway to himself, Kurt was finally able to take a deep breath, which he was loathe to exhale. Surely this was all a bad dream? He picked himself up off the floor and sauntered off to the bathroom, barely squeezed through the door's slight frame, and slammed it closed.

FredKurtFredKurtFredKurtFredKurt

"I DON'T KNOW!! I just suddenly teleported in here!!" Fred retorted frenetically.

"That's no excuse, so GIT!! Out!!" Rogue said, jumping up and pointing at his chest, hard. Her eyes widened, and she quickly dropped her hand from his bare, furred chest. "Oh, I'm sorry!"

"Th-that's okay…" Fred assured her with a grin. "I AM inexplicably clad in only boxers, after all!" He took a moment to risk a peek at her attire. She was wearing a loose silk tank top and TIGHT boxers only, which only served to accentuate her already-curvy body. Fred had never realized the extent of the fineness of her tits; there were like entire planets under her shirt. And her skin!! The darkness did a good job of showcasing her creamy white skin, which was perfectly smooth and was demanding his touch.

'Definitely the metaphorical forbidden fruit,' Fred thought rather philosophically, and then noticed that the southern belle was glaring at him something awful. Which only served to further prove his point.

"Enjoyin' the peep show, hun?" She snarled, grabbing a towel and covering herself up so he lost the great view of her curves.

He would have to think fast or his cover would be blown! "UMMMM, hey Rogue, I'm sorry for, uh…checkingyouout," he said hurriedly, blushing terribly and sweating aplenty. "But to be honest, I never realized how incredibly beautiful you are." Which was the truth, actually.

Rogue blinked, and then grinned at him with a sly glare. "Oh yeah? Go on."

Fred smiled rather goofily, "No, I'm serious! This is actually the most beautiful vision I've ever seen. And," he breathed, struggling to come up with something out of his ass (to save said ass). He had always kind of admired Rogue; she was an orphan, and a had a heart of solid hate and darkness, driven from her severely limiting mutant power. Not being able to touch someone…sort of like Fred's typical predicament of having never BEEN touched by a girl, for his rather notable physical characteristics…was a bit of a common grounds for them. "I just wanted to say that…I know you've been having some rough times every once in a while, and just…if you ever need someone to hold you, or a shoulder to cry on, I'm your guy, okay?"

Rogue seemed genuinely surprised, and nodded a bit dazedly. "Thanks Kurt, I…I really don't know what to say."

"Well yeah, uhm…that's about it," Fred said sheepishly. "I'm going to, um, Mass tonight, so I better go put on some more clothes. See ya later!" He said, turning to go out the door.

This time he was totally taken by surprise when he got a soft slap on the butt as Rogue said, "Wait." He whirled around with an even bigger blush than before with a questioning look on his face. She looked really insecure and was blushing too. "I'm sorry Kurt, I just wanted to touch you to get your attention, and um, that's your only part with…"

"Oh, naw, don't worry about it," Fred said hurriedly. "What did you want?" He winced as he noticed that came out a lot rougher than he had meant to say it.

"Uh, I…wait, first, did you mean all them things that came out of your mouth?" Rogue, said, blinking up at him shyly.

"Yeah, every word," Fred said evenly. 'And that's the truth,' he thought.

"Okay…" Rogue looked around the dark bathroom and wrung her hands in…nervousness? Exasperation? Fred couldn't tell. "I don't really know what to think about this, Fuzzy. But, ah…what ah DO know is, I would like you to hold me."

"Sure!" Fred said with excitement. 'Holy shit, I might even get a peek at her tits tonight!' he thought with fervor. "Give me your towel."

"Alright," she said unevenly, and handed it over. Fred wrapped it around his torso as best as he could, and, ignoring the awkward silence as best as he could, he came forward and held her slim form tight around the waist. She hugged him tightly around his towel too. "I'm so lonely Kurt, all the time," she whispered.

"Me too, Rogue. I really am," he murmured to her in as comforting a voice as he could muster.

She pulled away and smiled. "Wow, that looks hot on you," Fred said with a smile.

She raised her eyebrows. "Ah, why thanks, hun! You don't look so bad in just underwear yourself, you stud!"

This caused Fred to laugh rather uncontrollably for some reason. Just a half hour ago, back at the brotherhood, he would have never pictured himself conversing naturally with a girl, let alone a hot babe from heaven like Rogue. It just seemed so…ridiculous.

Rogue joined in too, and then leaned in and gave him a super-quick peck on the cheek. "Thanks. You just made my week."

"Oh really, that's all it takes?" Fred said with an eyebrow raised. "I think I know something that could make your year…" he said suggestively.

Rogue blushed and looked around. "Ah no, I couldn't, ah…"

"Oh come on Rogue! You know you can trust me, we've known each other for three years!" 'Okay, well that was a lie.'

"No, I really would like to, Kurt, but…" She bumped the bathroom door open with her unnaturally curvaceous butt to reveal Kitty in bed, apparently asleep. Fred duly noted the incredible panty shot he was getting up her skirt. Rogue jammed her thumb in her roomate's direction. "I've got Kitty and you've got Evan in your room. How is this gonna work?"

"Hmm…" Fred said, stroking his nonexistent fur goatee. Well now this WAS a problem. Damn roommates! "Well…we COULD try to hook THEM up, that would solve it!" He whispered with a grin.

Rogue giggled. "Oh yeah, I'm sure THAT would work. Evan's not exactly the most maneuverable guy, you know."

Fred winked at her. "Well now, you just leave that to me, young lady." He looked at Kitty chilling there, and felt the familiar roar in his heart from five minutes ago. God damn was she beautiful.

BAMF!

Fred suddenly realized he was in midair over an empty bed, which he promptly collapsed in, landing soundly on his wounded hand.

Evan shot up out of bed and glared at him from a bed across the room. "Damn dude, would you STOP doing that? Some people are trying to sleep, ya know what I'm saying?"

"Sorry," Fred said sheepishly and pulled the covers up around him. So this was his own bed then…

Holy fuck, did he have to get in control of these crazy powers soon.

But an unnatural satisfaction settled upon Fred's mind as he lay in Kurt's, no, _his_ bed. This was the first sleep he would get of his new life. He sighed in euphoria as sleep gripped him; now, at last, his life would begin again.

KurtFredKurtFredKurtFredKurtFred

The bathroom was even grimier than Kurt could have possibly expected, but he managed to stomach it and enter the immediately frigid torrent of water coming from the egg-covered shower head. He squinted and looked out the window, noticing it was night now.

As soon as he adapted to the water conditions, he set to work on cleaning himself as best as he could, at least so he could bear himself. If there's one thing he couldn't stand, it was being coated with slimy human grease.

Several popped blackheads and helpings of body soap later, Kurt set to work on rummaging through the great, legendary folds of fat on his person. As he roughly massaged himself, he noticed a great deal of stinky yellow fluid seeping out from deep within his gut. 'Ah…THAT'S not good," Kurt thought with a grimace. He reached deeper and deeper between the layers, armed with wads of soap, and eventually excavated his way through the dirt and grime to…a rotten twinkie. Kurt smirked about the utter irony of it all as he held up the culprit of all his stinkiness and examined it. He counted at least three pill bugs and more than eight ticks making their nest in the wayward pastry.

"Jesus Christ," he muttered and threw it out of the shower in a random direction. At that precise moment, the bathroom door opened and Wanda stuck her head in.

"Just thought you should know, Magneto just announced a meeting downstairs, and he should arrive shortly; and he said he's bringing company…uhm, what was THAT?!"

"Oh, that?" Kurt said with a mocking laugh. "It's probably best just to forget about it."

"…Right."

"So does that mean his…um…Acolytes are coming with him?" Kurt said with a wince, hoping he remembered the right terminology.

"Probably," Wanda muttered. "Anyway…just hurry up…you and I need to have a talk later, okay?"

"Alright, sounds good." Kurt replied, but he cocked an eyebrow. Whatever could she want to speak to him about? It probably couldn't be anything good, that's for sure.

Wanda was silent for a moment, as if she wanted to add something, but then quickly evacuated the infected bathroom.

Kurt found himself lost in contemplation as he finished up his shower. If this WAS reality, then he had apparently been thrust into the Blob's body for some reason. 'A teleportation mishap perhaps?' he pondered. 'Nah, that's not possible…' In any case, the least he could do for his teammates back in the X-Mansion was continue this ruse as the Blob long enough to get some hardcore spying done on the Brotherhood to report back in to Xavier once he returned to normal. He sighed one last time but then decided to look on the bright side; he did have skin now after all, with no image inducer. That's gotta count for something, right? He ran a hand down his blubbery arm and remarked at the feel of clean, smooth skin…he had never felt that sensation before on himself. He had touched an odd person here and there before, but he typically kept his distance whenever possible, trained by others' complete revulsion of his own normal appearance.

'At least now, I could maybe pass off as a regular guy,' Kurt reasoned as he lumbered out of the shower, stepped into a shirt and some overalls, before heading downstairs to the living room, where, to his chagrin, everyone was looking at him. Toad was sitting on the couch all by himself, and was looking longing at the Satanic-garbed Scarlet Witch, who was ignoring him completely in a wooden chair nearby. Avalanche stood stone-still next the crackling fireplace, and Quicksilver and Magneto stood in front of the closed door, looking impressive in their decked-out uniform.

Kurt gulped; suddenly he wished he had paid a lot more attention to the Blob's behavior in the past, in order to better be inconspicuous. So he just gave everyone a half-hearted wave and stomped over to the empty spot on the couch that Toad had intended for Wanda to take.

"God, fat-ass, if you were moving any slower, you'd be going the speed of a stoned centipede," Pietro said, grinning wickedly.

"You know, Pietro, if you were any skinnier, you'd bear a striking resemblance to Keira Knightley," Kurt countered smoothly.

"Nice," Toad whispered, giving Kurt a small high-five.

Magneto gave an exaggerated roll of the eyes, as though he couldn't believe he had been forced to come to them for help. "Alright, now that we're ALL present and accounted for," here he glared at Kurt, who just grinned cheekily. "I'll move on to the first order of business. My son, Quicksilver, who you all know as Pietro, will be temporarily moving back in with you and will act as my go-between from me to the Brotherhood. It is a necessity for my new plans to come off smoothly."

"New plans?" Kurt asked, his curiosity peaked.

"Yeah, are we gonna finally kill off those X-Geeks?" Toad sang in excitement. Kurt frowned and had to restrain himself from smashing the kid's brains all over the couch.

"That, my uncouth disciples, is for Pietro and I to know only." Magneto said with an iron smile. "You will simply act on my orders for now, and it's nothing too complicated."

"So what are the orders?" Lance said, looking up from his musings.

"I'll get to that when the time comes," Magneto said noncommittally. "However, for now, I want you to show me what you've been doing for the tactical training I ordered the last time I visited."

'Uh-oh! Danger alert!' Kurt thought with wide eyes. He leaned over to Toad and whispered, "Uhh, what?"

"Oh, you know, that thing…" Toad started, but then shook his head. "Ah, don't worry you'll suck at it anyway."

Kurt merely shrugged, and got out of his seat when Wanda, Toad and Lance all walked to the center of the room, pulling up spare chairs as they did so. "Here Fred, you can have my chair if you want," Wanda said to him, holding her chair out for him, "I'm not gonna participate in this crap today." Magneto nodded solemnly at this astute wisdom.

"Oh, thanks!" Kurt said cheerily and sat down in it, while Lance and Toad grumbled.

"Okay…" Lance began, "this is an exercise Wanda and I developed. The challenge is to react fast with the most inspired word you can come up with to the progenitor's starting word. Now, since I'm the smartest one here (Toad nodded in agreement, while Kurt perked up) I'll start." He cleared his throat, and said, "Aircraft Carrier."

"Monotonous!" Toad said really quickly.

"Coquelicot!" Kurt responded immediately after Toad.

A magnificent "Ohhhhhh!" erupted from the audience of three. "Wow Lancey-lady, they sure showed you up," Pietro grinned.

"Fuck you," Lance muttered back.

"I'd say that one goes to Fred," Wanda said with her arms folded.

"Obviously," Magneto assented.

"Oh yeah, is that the way it's gonna be, Fred?" Lance said, locking eyes with Kurt's. Kurt put on his best poker face, not giving anything away. Lance opened his lips for about ten seconds without saying a word.

'No fair! He's cheating and taunting at the same time!' Kurt thought angrily. He wouldn't lose to this guy who stole Kitty from him. His eyes sprung open. Where did that thought come from? He thought he was way over Kitty? Hmm…well, it's not like he even stood a severely underexaggerated chance with her, either, so his own feelings made precious little difference...

"Tits!" Lance suddenly breathed out.

"Vagina!" Toad countered.

"Urethra!" Kurt reacted lightning quick and announced. Whispers of "He's Good!" and "Sharp, even!" ran throughout the audience.

It was a credit to Lance that he maintained his composure for all this time, and he countered with an ultra-fast declaration of "Incest!"

"Kamikaze!"

"Morgue!" Kurt said, which was the first word on his lips for some reason.

"Do you think Kamikaze won that time maybe?" Wanda said in wonder with her head cocked (causing Toad's chest to swell out with pride).

"I dunno, personally I rather like Morgue," Magento said, intrigued and stroking his chin.

"No way," Pietro announced. "I'm totally rooting for Incest." As he and Lance flashed each other a grin, Wanda and Magneto nervously edged away from him. Kurt laughed softly, realizing he was really enjoying this game of lightning-fast vocabulary.

As soon as Lance turned back around, he snarled, "Stratford-Upon-Avon!"

"Yorkshire!"

"Worcestershire!"

This time Lance made an audible cry of anger and snapped his next response immediately, "Megalomaniac!"

"Orator!"

"French Beret!" Kurt said, causing everyone in the audience's jaw to drop.

"I now pronounce Fred Dukes the undisputed winner of this match of wits!" Magneto hailed, flying over the circle of chairs facing each other and holding Kurt's fist up in the air.

Kurt laughed out loud. He had never thought it possible that he could actually enjoy himself as one of the Brotherhood, but the Universe was a mysterious place. "Why thank you, thank you! I would like to think my mom, my dad, oh, and of course, you, Magneto!" He said panderingly to his boss.

"Nice work, Fred." Magneto said seriously, patting him on the shoulder. Kurt felt an indescribable surge of pride as he did so, for some reason he couldn't explain. Feeling everyone else's eyes on him as well, he looked around and was especially caught by Wanda's expression; there was something glittering in her gaze that he found strangely intriguing. He ran an oar-sized hand down his face, but there didn't appear to be anything stuck on it...

Toad clasped a sinewy hand around his wrist, jarring from his thoughts. "Hey man, good game. Any one who beats Lance is as good as having beat him myself!"

Lance glared at him. "Hey!"

Magneto walked around to the front of the room again. "Alright, good job everyone, I can see your diligently keeping your minds sharp. Now then, I require a large sum of money to fund my latest endeavor, so I need you all to rob a bank for me tomorrow, and collect at least five million dollars in gold. I trust this will not be a problem?"

Kurt started, but then caught himself. ROBBING a BANK?? He stroked his chin in thought as Toad yelled, "AwRIGHT! Finally, some action!"

"No problems here, boss," Lance affirmed.

Kurt felt Wanda's lucid gaze upon him once again, so he met her eyes. Some sort of strange emotion was being communicated through her eyes, but he couldn't read it at all.

He looked back up at Magneto, "Yeah, man, that bank's gonna be history after we're through with it."

"Good, good. I knew I could count on you all." Magneto smirked. "Either myself or Mystique will come by tomorrow to collect the funds." He turned to go, but as an afterthought, turned back around and said, "Very soon, things will change greatly here. As a result, we are all going to go on a…let's say, field trip in a few days."

"Very well," Wanda droned.

"Alright, have a good night, all," Magneto said and exited the building, an Pietro shut the door behind him.

Kurt was lost in his thoughts. What had he just done? Was it really okay morally to rob a bank when it was only to keep his cover? He supposed that it would get robbed anyway whether he were to participate or not, and it would be better for him to stay in the Brotherhood's company for now, at least until he reverted back to his original form. 'Man…tomorrow's gonna suck,' Kurt thought morosely. 'Can't I ever just have a _good_ day for once?'

* * *

Later that night, Kurt found himself lying in bed wondering what to do in this situation. How did this happen? And did this mean the Blob himself was currently occupying his own body. He winced with the thought of how the living monstrosity might misuse his body, and more importantly, the friendships he had labored for so long to build. At the X-Mansion was the only place where people actually had come to like him despite his uncanny resemblance to a freakish blue demon, but it had taken painstaking hours to arrive at that point.

He sighed and turned over. Well, even if all else failed, he still had the tentative friendships with these jokers in the Brotherhood, or so it seemed at the moment. And Wanda…could there possibly be more to her than he had before thought. Every time she looked at him he could feel an alien shiver running down his spine, almost like destiny was commanding him. He was quite familiar with the feel of destiny, for it had intervened many times before in his life. But the question was, a destiny of…what?

Suddenly the door opened, and to his astonishment, Wanda peered in out of the light from the hallway. "Fred? Are you asleep?"

'Oh yeah, she said she wanted to talk to me about something,' Kurt finally remembered. "Of course, I'm just settling in. Please, come in and sit down."

"No thanks, I'd rather stand," she said rather curtly, and approached his bedside. "Toad already asleep?"

"Yep."

"Thank God!" she said softly with a chuckle. "That guy…"

Kurt noticed that in the moonlight she had somehow become beautiful in a foreign, almost spicy way. He was intrigued by this, as he had never before even considered her remotely attractive. "Wanda…I was just thinking about you when you came in…" he began, not knowing where he was going with this.

"Oh really? Concerning what?" she said, genuinely having her curiosity peaked.

"Well, I was just thinking that I…don't really have any real friends, you know? And I was kind of concerned about it," Kurt murmured with averted eyes.

"Hey, hey…" Wanda said, leaning over and placing a hand on his blubbery shoulder. "You'll always have everyone in the Brotherhood. You're in here for a lifetime, you know. And…you'll always have me," she said, averting her eyes.

'WHAT?! Does she have a crush on THE BLOB?!' Kurt thought in confusion. 'Is that even possible?'

"In a purely friends-only way, of course," she added quickly, seeming to read his thoughts and crinkling her nose in apparent disgust at the very thought.

Kurt let out a sigh of relief. "Awesome, I really appreciate it, Wanda." As she nodded in the darkness, he suddenly felt a strange drive from deep within his gut that he was not familiar with. Before he knew it, the words, "Do you want to stay here tonight?" escaped his lips, and he immediately winced in preparation for the inevitable onslaught.

Wanda's countenance immediately changed abrasively. "WHAT?!" She exclaimed.

"S-sorry, I…"

"Fuck you!! I thought you were different! Just….ARRGH!! Fuck you! All guys are exactly the same!" In so saying, she proceeded to angrily storm out the door.

As soon as the door slammed shut, knocking over the mirror and causing it to shatter all over the wooden floor, Toad, who had apparently been very much awake, snapped awake and began cackling hysterically.

Kurt sighed. "I didn't even mean it…I mean, I don't even like her! I…ACH!!" He cried and collapsed, giving up completely.

"Do you want to stay here tonight?!" Toad mocked him in euphoric sarcasticness. "Oh Jeezus, Jeezus, Jeezus that was priceless!"

"Shut up!" Kurt roared, chucking a pillow across the room at him. Five minutes and an ensuing pillow fight later, when Toad was snoring again, Kurt reflected on his unwise choice of words. 'What WAS that?' Kurt asked himself. 'It's like those words didn't even come from me…' As sleep took his clouded mind prisoner, he reflected upon these thoughts.

* * *

**A/N:** Yay! So ends the first of the many adventures of Fred the Amazing Nightcrawler and Kurt the Blob! Be sure to tune in next weekend for the next installment. (I know Fred's lack of an accent should be a dead giveaway to the other X-Men, but let's just pretend the accent is just more subtle in this fic, and is included in his new body, just as Kurt now talks with Fred's voice.) Also, just for their record, only their brains were switched; the emotions, souls, powers, abilities, and infatuations of the host body are still intact.

Please review with any feedback you feel at all inclined to give!


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